In yesterdays post I mentioned that I was allergic to how things should be. I thought I'd try to write a little bit more about this thought pattern.
Essentially it all comes from something I've learned lately. It is this:
Hang on, I'll explain:
I am the type of person who has grown up with the incredibly strong need of feeling accepted by the people around me. To live according to 'The Plan' (you know the one..)
I want to be accepted by my peers, colleagues, managers, friends, and loved ones.
It might very well come from my background as a child of a broken home, a child of a middle-class swedish society, a child of the 2000's. Perhaps because I am raised as a girl. Or something. Or maybe just a child of Humanity.
The reason is beside the point. The point is that, for me, no matter what the reason, the need to be accepted and live according to The Plan did turn into a problem. A big problem.
Stress, tears, omeprazole, councillor appointment, failed relationships with good men, self hatred. Days spent crying in a pile of mess, dust, and empty tubes of pringles
Time does heal however. And a very good healer it is too! As experiences pile up I know I am learning not to take things to heart too quickly. Learning to take a step back.
But the person who has taught me the most in the shortest period of time is probably my partner.
He is the one who taught me to ask: How??!!
If you're not used to Edunburgh-scottish:
How means Why.
My friends and family has always been there for me, supported me through so much. There to listen to me, and comfort me when I feel I can't live up to the expectations of the world. When I am not loved by everyone and don't have the energy to live according to plan.
And he pushed me even further. By asking why.
Why are there expectations at all? And why should they automatically suit everyone?
What if you don't actually want all the things that you thought you wanted? Things that you thought were universal? What if they just don't suit you, and your personality type?
What if working too hard is actually bad for you? Why should you do it then?
Why do you feel you always have to do everything for everyone else?
At the start I didn't get it..
I mean everyone needs to go out of their way to please others, right?
Thats a universal truth, right?
And everyone wants to live according to The Plan, right?