All Hallows Eve

In my native Sweden, Halloween is a fairly new invention. And I mean new enough to make my own childhood relatively free from dressing up in scary outfits by the end of october.

Traditionally, we have a completely different kind of celebration:  Allhelgonaafton - All Hallows Eve.

If I was at home today I would go to the local cemetery. It is a beautiful place, landscaped over small soft hills, with plenty of large trees and bushes and even a small stream flowing through. I would sit for a while, on the little bench next to the bridge over the water, and I would think about my granny. I would light a candle by the fountain next to the book. The book made from solid copper plates, with names etched in to forever memorise the ashes that were spread in this beautiful part of the world.

I would think of the talks and games I played with my granny. I would think about the joys of living, and the sadness of death.
I would cry a little.
But mainly smile.
After that I feel peaceful, and content and ready to keep living.

In the evening of Allhelgonaafton, all cemeteries in sweden are full of lit candles. In the darkness of the north it is a beautiful sight.

Today is the day of the dead.
And my tip to you is that, before you don the vampire outfit, you take a wee moment. Sit down for a bit and acknowledge the people in your lives who are no longer with you. Perhaps light a candle.
Cry a little.
But mainly smile.
Then go on and keep living.

//  Tee -- Will light a candle today. And think of this fantastic lively woman, whom I am so happy to have known.

The randomness of fear...

Isn't it strange how random ones fears can be?

And I don't only mean the 'classic' phobias like spiders or dentists, but the small things that have us spooked..

I sometimes covers a shift or two in a wee hotel, close to Edinburgh city centre. My job is simple - I just need to mind the bar and reception and make sure the local customers and hotel guests are happy.
However..
Come closing time; as soon as the final customer has left the bar and I have closed and bolted the door, it starts. The fear of the dark. The very instant I close the window blinds in the bar, my mind starts telling me stories. Telling me I heard something. Saw something in the window reflection… As I make my round of the hotel and walk through the cellar, turning off the lights, making sure every thing is in order, my heart rate slowly goes up. By the time I reach the dark corridor behind the reception on my way back I am positively running. And running in a dark corridor does NOTHING soothe ones fear! It is with shaking hands I punch in the alarm code before I bolt through the door in panic….

BUT. On any other night, I have nothing at all against walking on this path in the middle of the night:

Did I mention the wall on the right borders a cemetery?

It doesn't matter how much I try to think about horror stories, scary films and so on (and I've actually tried!), I can't get scared of the dark whilst I am outside. But as soon as I am indoors I freak out!

Random!

What fears do you have?

//  Tee  --  Is actually getting a bit spooked out… in her own home.. Perhaps I need to go outside?

THE greatest playlist

I am playing this playlist as often as I can!


A bit insane when it comes to style perhaps, but generally awesome!

How!!???!!

In yesterdays post I mentioned that I was allergic to how things should be. I thought I'd try to write a little bit more about this thought pattern.
Essentially it all comes from something I've learned lately. It is this:

How??!

Hang on, I'll explain:

I am the type of person who has grown up with the incredibly strong need of feeling accepted by the people around me. To live according to 'The Plan' (you know the one..)

I want to be accepted by my peers, colleagues, managers, friends, and loved ones.
It might very well come from my background as a child of a broken home, a child of a middle-class swedish society, a child of the 2000's. Perhaps because I am raised as a girl. Or something. Or maybe just a child of Humanity.

The reason is beside the point. The point is that, for me, no matter what the reason, the need to be accepted and live according to The Plan did turn into a problem. A big problem.

Stress, tears, omeprazole, councillor appointment, failed relationships with good men, self hatred. Days spent crying in a pile of mess, dust, and empty tubes of pringles

Time does heal however. And a very good healer it is too! As experiences pile up I know I am learning not to take things to heart too quickly. Learning to take a step back.

But the person who has taught me the most in the shortest period of time is probably my partner.
He is the one who taught me to ask: How??!!

If you're not used to Edunburgh-scottish:

How means Why.

My friends and family has always been there for me, supported me through so much. There to listen to me, and comfort me when I feel I can't live up to the expectations of the world. When I am not loved by everyone and don't have the energy to live according to plan.

And he pushed me even further. By asking why.

Why are there expectations at all? And why should they automatically suit everyone?
What if you don't actually want all the things that you thought you wanted? Things that you thought were universal? What if they just don't suit you, and your personality type?
What if working too hard is actually bad for you? Why should you do it then?
Why do you feel you always have to do everything for everyone else?
Why?

At the start I didn't get it..
I mean everyone needs to go out of their way to please others, right?
Thats a universal truth, right?
And everyone wants to live according to The Plan, right?

right?


How?!

A sneak peak..

So I am in the middle of something…
Something I feel über-excited about!

I have decided, finally decided, to try to get something a little bit longer written! And, yes, I do realise I will never get it published. That is not the point (she lied..)!  What I really want to do is to give it a go! Get those 13 billion (ca) ideas that is stirring in my head out, and onto 'paper'. Just to see what happens. Will it turn out longer than a few chapters? Will it turn out to be a brick full of shit?

Here is a sneak peak from the creative process from my trusty notebook:

The ideas are flowing thick and fast at the moment so I only have time to annotate them quickly, in no order, and with no particular concept in mind. Words mixed with glued in pictures and hand drawn maps (with uncanny resemblances to vaginas, according to my partner!?  :-O Will the story turn out to be set in Feminist-land?! ) and family trees. All in combination with insanely random iPhone notes such as this:

Not sure if any of this will turn out to anything at all. And definitely not sure is is a good idea or not. It all remains to be seen..
I am not a writer. I am not particularly good at keeping deadlines. But I am also allergic to how things should be -  I want to try and get through things in my own way and give it a go.

So, keep your eyes open for the next literature Nobel for short stories being posted on here that have the feel of loose chapters from a larger story… I might very well, shamelessly, use y'all as editors!



//  Tee  --  Excited! Off to get a coffee, with an added teaspoon of double cream (which is incredibly tasty - Try it!)

Time

Time.
The concept of time STARTING at some point, gives most people a sense of dread.
How could TIME start? What was before that? Oh, wait. The use of the word before would be void wouldn't it? No before, no after, and no now. No moments. No nothing.

Thank (please enter preferred spiritual entity), for the beginning of time! For the development of the universe, the world, the eons of evolutional selection and the formation of humanity.

The main concept of time, when thinking about it in the grand scheme of things, is that it seems to pass very slowly. Or quickly. Slow in terms of the lifetime of the Earth. Quick in terms of the lifetime of a human being.

Isn't it strange that humanity has changed how we live compared to the passing of time? Have shifted focus from Earth's to humanities' concepts of time, and timelines?

First, and most obviously, ecologically and environmentally. The nomadic indigenous people of the world left no trace. No structures that couldn't be taken down and moved easily, no cumbersome works of art. They lived with the time of the Earth. That changed. Now we use up resources left right and centre, and the timeline we follow is our own. Humanities'.

But that is not all.
In the grand scheme of things we have also changed the time perspective in society. Old political ideas used to be taken from years of research and used to be made after years of evaluation. For the benefit of the country, the religion or the state. For humanity. Now political decisions are made, not to fit the timeline of a human life, but even shorter than that. To last to the next election. Haphazardly the world is run, and the timelines shortened.

Average Joe had a timeline that stretched from his grandfather and to his grandchildren. Decisions were made to secure the future of the land and the farm.
But in a modern society information and data is available at lightning speed. Will we stop and think? Will we get back to the days where our decisions were made for the future of our family, of our children, and our environment? Or are we caught in a spiral of shorter and shorter timelines, until we make decisions that are beneficial in one moment, and fatal in the next?

Confessions from a self help addict

So I have this weird love for self help books.
Nothing inspires me more! For a day or two.. For as long as I can keep up the Positivity Diary/Daily Affirmations/"Smile all the time' - strategies. Then fall back to earth and back again in the every day worries and stresses. But every time I get a new book I get such a lovely fix of self help motivation that I always come back for more. However, there is one thing I always realise when I have my come-down from the latest self-help high: We humans are truly social animals.
Because nothing beats a quick phone call from my mum, a lunch break with a colleague, a discussion about wind farms with my partner (..yes... it was a great conversation at the time!) Or a laugh down the pub, or a game with friends, or a good work meeting, or...

So for this weeks Tee time i am trying out a poem - And it's dedicated to all the self-help gurus out there!

//  Tee  --  Has decided she likes the freedom of poetry! Perhaps because her general grammar is a bit...shady.. and many recent email has been sent in 'yoda-talk'


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The inner strength is easy to find
    Just do it 
make yourself happy and control your mind
    Just be it 
stop all the worries and suffocate sadness
(with something other than pity and ice cream)
The inner strength is easy to find
    Just do it

Failed attempts pile up fast
    Can't do it
piles up to a mountain for the weak climber
    Can't be it
the mountain of worries can't be conquered 
(even by the most experienced climber)
and failed attempts they pile up fast
    Can't do it

But there is the comfort from the dearest
    Is helping
comforts like snow softly and heavily
    Keep helping
covers the world in a sparkling blanket
(even fills up the valleys all the way to the summit)
all the way to the top of the tallest peak
    Can walk it

The Vanity..

It strikes when you least expect it: The Vanity. 

And its force is especially powerful when it appears together with: The Bargain.

So there I am walking down the rainy Edinburgh street. Mining my own business, on my way to the bank. That's when I see the sign in the window: "£10 manicure with hand massage".

I try to be strong. Try to fight it. But I am no match for The Vanity an The Bargain, in a simultaneous ferocious attack. 

I walk in, defeated. The man in the salon looks at me and smiles. He knows.

I make it to the bank on time. 

And I look fabulous.